“Thank you for calling. Your business is important to us, but we really don’t want to talk to you, so please go to our website. It’s a great website that makes perfect sense to us, because we use it all the time, but will confuse the heck out of you.

“Of course we could talk you through it, but … he he … we don’t want to talk to you.

“If we haven’t yet convinced you to get off the phone and go to our website, you can sit through this horrible automated voice system. We know it doesn’t make any sense — that the categories don’t cover everything you want to do, that they overlap, that we use confusing terms and all that. We designed it that way because we want you to give up and go to our website.”

Then after you use the website it says, “sorry, there’s something wrong with your request, please call our friendly customer service hotline at [the number you already called].”